Classical Hipster

Mozart: The Teeny-Bopper Fuckwad

2009-11-18T00:50:00.001-08:00

I didn’t want to write this post, mostly because I knew that if I did I would get really heated. But after listening to the travesty that is The Magic Flute I couldn’t hold the disdain in my chest any longer.

Mozart is the death of good music. He’s all glitz, no substance, just a teeny-bopping fool who doesn’t understand that there’s more to music than just bravado, power and mainstream numbness. He’s a pop-star, nothing more.

And to make things worse, I can’t believe that the court would give him any sort of recognition over Signiori Salieri. I remember crying tears of joy when I heard that such a hard-working, dark and indy composer would be given such an honor… but no… it appears the court has got a hard-on for a young cute new pop composer. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that at many of Mozart’s concerts it’s not even him conducting, he’s probably conducting-syncing. What a douche.

And yet everyone loves him… they can’t get enough of the Magic Flute, Don Giovanni or any of the other mainstream shit streams that come out of his brain. I don’t get it… doesn’t anyone respect originality to the point of the music being so good that it’s not good anymore?! That’s the music I want to love… something so Nuevo that it ceases to be good… that’s how good it is.

But until then we’ll just have sit and listen to fucking Mozart, and watch him get all the money.

What a fuck.

Maybe I’ll pretend to haunt him… maybe that’ll frighten some sense into him… or better yet I’ll let Salieri know that he should do that.

Yeah, that’s how I’ll knock down this Mozart “Hannah Montana” Monster. Hannah Montana is the name of a classical singer in my neighborhood who sucks.

A Note on Fashion

2009-11-18T00:49:00.000-08:00

I’m going to take a small break from my searing criticism of the mainstream music stream to make a few notes about the wretched fashion I see these days:

More is less: To all those people who think they can get away without 6 layers or spend one hour getting ready in the morning, you are gravely mistaken sir. To be simple and fashionable in these days you need to wear so many layers that you have to invent more layers to stay in the game. I wear an undershirt, my normal shirt, a vest, an over-vest-shirt, a second outer vest covered in an innerjacket, polished off with a third vest and finally my coat with tails. Vests are the name of the game.
Chin beards are so 1850’s: Shitty moustaches are all the rage now. Remember that.
Retro-mind: Keep in mind that it’s not too late to bring back the amazing fashion of the previous century. Sometimes I’ll put on some tights, pantaloons and a cod piece. You wouldn’t believe the amount of attention I get.

Fashion, much like music, is only cool if no one else is doing/listening to it. Remember that.

Beethoven – A Freshman Beauty, An Aging Sellout

2009-11-18T00:47:00.000-08:00

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he’s deaf, but Beethoven has sold out and shat upon the musical legacy he once had. I remember as a young aspiring musical critic I would spend hours staring at his sheet music and plunking out the beautiful melody line on my piano. Whenever I would get a chance to see a grand orchestra play his heartfelt first or second symphony I would leap at the opportunity, and I bought as many CDs of his recordings as I could. Of course CD stands for Classical Delineated music… the m is silent.

But then I heard the ninth symphony. The wretched, wretched ninth symphony, something that any child could play on the piano, something so wretchedly mainstream and simple that it can only be described as simple and mainstream. I got tickets to a concerto version of his newest “masterpiece” and sat in the balcony as I always do (I’m not made of gold, people!) and sat in ready to view a new mind-blowing powerful piece. Maybe it would have the subtlety of the third symphony, maybe it would have the raw unharnessed power of the fifth. But no, it had the pussy willow drag and a vomit inducing child-like quality. Even know I can’t get it out of my head… da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da---daa-daa. ARGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

What a trifle piece of shit! Did Beethoven suddenly go more deaf?! Or worse did he suddenly gain better hearing and realize that his previous work was too good, too powerful.

The answer will never be known, but until it is I will wretch when I think of his name. Fuck it, I’m going to get stoned and listen to some Bartok.

What’s up my 19th century homies

2009-11-18T00:46:00.000-08:00

Alright, so I decided to start this journal because there seems to be so little voice for the underappreciated music out there, but everyone seems to know absolutely everything about fucking Mozart and Beethoven and Bach (I got a soft spot for Brahms). I don’t know if you realize it, but all of those posers are complete sellouts… we might as well go around and listen to some old minstrel carols like your grandpa listened to, because shit man, you’re destroying your brain with how unoriginal and unabashedly mundane these music choices are.

Music is found underground, that’s where you’re going to hear the best stuff, but it seems that too many of you ignorant, shallow drunkards are too frightened to get down and dirty, to really go underground to find some of the best composers around. People like the Bavarian Jomodest Mouse, the Austrian Franz Deerhoove or the English Lord Artic Monkeys. These are the composers that are really stirring up the pot, not sticking to gimmicks and power-chords, really coming up with something so original that your brain takes a trip to the exotic orient while you listen (don’t GET me started on the genius that is coming out of the Japanese region).

So this journal is an attempt to rip apart the old standards in an effort to get the truly gifted musicians more publicity. These guys need Concert Deals people!